3-20-2005 - SHOH - Level-Zero presents... A very special Saved by the Bell.

Long before "The More You Know..." ads on NBC and the like, kids television series often had a very special episode dedicated to teaching the young and impressionable viewers a life lesson. Saved by the Bell was no exception. Back in its heyday, SBTB aired this episode, "Jessie's Song", to teach kids the dangers of using drugs. However, these were no ordinary drugs. These were... wait for it... caffiene pills.

CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! OOOOOH!

The episode begins with the usual Zach Morris speech, only this time, his radicalousity is overshadowed by Jessie Spano choking down a cup of coffee. Uh oh! Something's up! Evidently, this week is Bayside's midterm week, but Zach isn't worried because he always sits next to smart nerds. It's nice to see that the producers like to drive home the message that while drugs and caffiene are bad, cheating is A-OK! Jessie, however, is noticably shaken. She just doesn't understand Geometry! And if she doesn't pass this midterm, she'll never be accepted to Stanford! Oh gosh what a disaster.

Enter your hero and mine, AC Slater. Slater slithers over to the table with a few blatantly sexist comments, which amazingly only makes him more heroic and scores him more ladies. Jessie shoots Slater down, but everyone knows that she wants him real bad. Something that always bugged me about Saved by the Bell is that Slater and Jessie have such a caustic relationship. They're like oil and water. I can totally imagine Slater with a beer gut, throwing a bowl of meatballs at Jessie because the sauce was lukewarm, and Jessie crying herself to sleep every night. Yes, I have that kind of time on my hands.

Above: Jessie Spano. Not Pictured: Gold brick.

FLASH! to the second of seven or eight sets on the Saved by the Bell studio, the universal classroom. No matter which episode you're watching and what class the team is attending, it'll be in this classroom. Often with the same teacher, this time dipping their toe into a subject that they stereotypically don't look like they'd be teaching. Anyone remember the one with Mr. Tuttle, the fat science teacher, teaching driver's ed? Uh, what?

Today's teacher, the math guy (I forget his name, so sue me), is passing out last week's Geometry test. Zach Morris, C. AC Slater, B. Kelly Kapowski, B. Lisa Turtle, A. Screech Powers, A. Jessie Spano, C. OH, MY, GOD. The world's biggest overachiever just got the same grade as Captain Z. All is not well in Bayside High, and Jessie is about to shit a gold brick at the thought of not getting into Stanford. That's alright, though, because Kelly and Lisa have the perfect solution: a verse of "I'm So Excited" by the Pointer Sisters. After the trio finish their impromptu Glee Club meeting, the light bulb in Zach's head flickers to a stand still as he hatches his newest scheme - a girl band, in the same vein as New Kids on the Block! "New Chicks on the Block," Slater suggests. Yes, Slater. Great idea, bud.

Broomhilda appears to warn the gang about the dangers of scurvy on the Seven Seas.

Zach comes up with the idea to dress Screech as a female janitor and have him infiltrate the girl's locker room, because evidently that is where all singing takes place. Screech obliges as he is a closet transvestite, and he dons possibly the worst disguise ever created. When the girls ask his name, he tells them that he's "Sinead O'Connor", and that he taught his famous niece (the OTHER Sinead O'Connor) everything she knows about singing. The girls take the opportunity to break into song, again, and Screech records the entire thing with his hidden microphone. After the girls leave, Screech strips down and masturbates ferociously in Lisa's locker. Okay, that didn't happen. I shouldn't have said that.

"Sulfuric acid? Yeah, it seems safe to drink."

Time warp to later that evening, where Jessie is coked out of her mind while Slater attempts to teach her Geometry. I don't know how Slater got anything done without deciding to lay the pipe, with Jessie coming onto him with such classics as "Could I marry you so you can take the test for me?" I mean, geez. My trousers would have been immediately off after that. It's late and Slater has to be home so that he doesn't miss the rerun of Miami Vice on SpikeTV, but before he leaves, he discovers Jessie's bottle of pills and tells her "NO!" and smacks her on the nose with a newspaper. Jessie tells him that he's right and she shouldn't use them, then kisses him and sends him on his way. Oh, vile seductress, how dare you go against Slater's word and...

GO FOR THE PILLS!?

The next morning, at The Max, Jessie is joined by the alien Mr. Belding for an early morning burger and some fries. Is The Max located inside of Bayside, or what? I always saw it as a sort of on-campus cafeteria that just happened to be open all hours of the night. Either way, Jessie explains to Belding that she's gonna fail her test with flying colors, and she's not gonna get into Stanford. Belding consoles her with "Don't worry, there's a college for everyone -- even Zach!" Cue this episode's manditory dream sequence...

SURF CITY, DUDER! HANG TEN, RADICAL, AND OTHER ASSORTED LINGO!

Where Jessie has resorted to going to Surf University, which looks like nothing more than Bayside with a few palm trees up in the hallway and in the classroom. The class is even taught by the math guy, only this time wearing a Hawaiian shirt and sunblock. Math guy asks Zach what he wants to learn today, and Zach, of course, replies with a coy "nothing!" Jessie is infuriated as she demands to learn!! Zach tells her that she's gotta take it up with the Dean of Students: Principal Belding in a sombrero and Hawaiian t-shirt, carrying a surf board. You can't make this stuff up.

Bayside Student Congress is FOR drugs in the hallways!

Jessie comes to her senses as she sits in the hallway with Lisa and Kelly, staring off into space until Zach shows up. When Z-Man appears, he reveals his hare-brained Broomhilda scheme to the rest of the gang, and that he scored them a record contract and a music video recording later in the day. Jesus Christ, Zach, what kind of multimedia God are you, anyway? All that, scored after just one day? And with only one lame recording done from a BROOM HANDLE in the women's restroom? We must bow to this man and his massive mediacock.

Either way, Jessie has her doubts, as tomorrow is the big midterm, but the other girls break into song and we all know Jessie can't turn something like that up. After everyone leaves, Jessie pops some more pills, sending her sky high and ready for an amazing video shoot. Nevermind the fact that during the music video, her leotard changes colors and designs at least fifteen times. Who needs coherency when you've got a music video that looks THIS good:

The effect of Slater's roofies had taken longer than expected.

After the video, we're treated to Jessie, passed out from an overdose of caffiene (figure that one out), and Zach letting himself in. No, this isn't a bad parody porn movie. This is where the message is really driven home. Zach wakes Jessie up to tell her that she's gotta get ready to perform at the Max! The bigshot record execs are gonna be there, and they want an impromptu concert! But Jessie is coked out of her fucking mind and can't even remember that she already took her Geometry test earlier in the day, that Lisa is bringing her clothes, and she has yet to wash her lion's mane.

uhh

Jessie flips out as Zach explains that "there's no time" to get ready, ranting and raving about how she'll never get into Stanford (Jesus, obsessed much?), she'll never have any time to study, and how she's so confused. Zach tells her that it's okay, and Jessie agrees, as long as she can have one of her purple friends sliding down her throat. Zach is shocked! DRUGS?! SLATER WAS RIGHT!! Zach is quickly relieved, though, as Jessie calmly explains to him how excited she is. Zach explains that it's alright to be scared. Because hey, remember that time when they snuck out to see ET? And it was really dark out? Jessie is calmed and all is well.

Wait, WHAT?! Zach just calmed down Jessie by reminding her of a time they snuck out of their houses, past their curfew, saw ET, undoubtedly had premarital sex, and rode their bikes around in the dark. Does that make any sense to ANYONE? In what upside down, house of cards universe would that calm anyone down from a crazy attack? I think that Jessie and Zach may have a bigger problem than just caffiene pills, and I think that it rhymes with 'clack rocks.'

HAY GUYS WHATS GOING ON IN THIS RESTAURANT

Since Jessie went crazy, Hot Sundae, the cute little name of their cute little band, have no choice but to replace her with the next viable option -- Screech. The record executives are not pleased with Screech's antics at all, but the audience is as the rumble of their ominous laughter booms over Hot Sundae's hit single and Slater's speech to the record execs about having them come back some other time, when his girlfriend isn't injecting caffiene directly into her bloodstream.

Screech suggests turning off the lights and playing a game of "Who's in my Mouth?"

Our very special episode comes to a close with the entire gang, minus one Principal Belding, assembled in Jessie's bedroom, as Jessie acknowledges her problem. She apologizes to Zach and the girls for crushing and ruining their dreams with her caffiene killer, and Slater appears with flowers picked from the flowerbed outside of Jessie's house. Zach, ever the jokester, cracks wise about how while Jessie may not be the best at everything, he's already learned that about himself. Every time he gets a report card full of Cs! Hahahaha! Oh, Zach, you mediocre student you! Could we love you more?